NYE

Happy New Year y'all...

I'm quite enjoying this blogging lark so I'll be carrying on in 2014 whenever I've got something to say. Thought I'd let you know in case you were interested.

Beyoncé: Beyoncé

I've learned at least the following seven things about Beyoncé over the last week...

1. Her arse is whiter than mine. 

2. She sniffs something and it's the only thing that's keeping her on fire. 

3. She really likes oral sex. Giving and receiving.

4. She's indecipherably cool. Grainin on that wood, grainin grainin on that wood for instance?

5. She's not really into the whole Sasha Fierce thing no more. 

6. She wakes up flawless.  

7. It only takes her 45 minutes to get ready.

Miranda Kerr and Terry Richardson by Terry Richardson

She look wicked doe innit...

Christmas perving

If you have a man to buy for this Christmas and you're struggling with what to get then the easy option is always a bottle of after shave. The next conundrum is which one to choose... 

The only thing I can suggest is just buy the one that has the best looking model in the advert. My choice for 2013 would be Invictus by Paco Rabanne. 

It probably smells vile so don't actually take my advice. I just wanted an excuse for a good perve. 

Enjoy!

Cartier Entrelaces ring

I'm super easy to buy gifts for and this Christmas there's so much I want and at helpfully varied price points.

This beautiful Entrelaces ring from Cartier is currently at the top of my wishlist...

I originally wanted it for my birthday earlier this month but nobody seemed to have got the hint. Still, all will be forgiven if I find it under my tree this time next week!

Change please

I'm absolutely desperate for a new wallet for Christmas and I really REALLY wanted this one from Alexander Wang… 

Just one problem; No space for change.

Annoying obviously but shit happens and so I started looking for an alternative. It wasn't long before I fell in love with this beauty from Saint Laurent…

But guess what? No space for change either.

Seriously though what's the point in a wallet with no space for change? Am I supposed to hold my coppers in my pocket? No babes. 

The search continues.

Tiffany Christmas Cracker

Take a moment to imagine what life would be like if your man could afford to buy you this diamond filled Tiffany cracker for Christmas...

It's £180k. 

If you're lucky enough to be married to a footballer, a banker or a member of the Saudi royal family then point them in the direction of their Bond Street store. 

Ps I hate you and I want to be you. 

Chanel perfume bottle bag

Erm, how have I not seen this already?

No. Words.

Chanel.com

Holding it right

Still holding your handbag by the handles? How obvious! What about in the crook of your arm? How common! The only way you should be carrying your handbag this season is by scurfing it up and grabbing it from underneath. 

Just like they show here in Zara's latest lookbook:

So chic. 

Frankly I wouldn't be seen dead carrying my bag in any other way.

I am so fab...

Check out I'm blonde,

I'm skinny,

I'm rich,

and I'm a little bit of a bitch

Artpop isn't nearly as good as it should be but I really like Donatella. It's stupid but brilliant.

If I were a girl

Today I'd throw on this old thing from Zara...

Doesn't she look interesting and intelligent? Like she's just about to grab a paintbrush and.. Well, paint something!

Simple shirt, skinny jeans and a good boot. Done. 

Easy, breezy and stylish. Why can't Zara men be as good as this?

Black

Black is the most popular colour in fashion but for me, I've always found it a bit scary. 

Black transcends fashion groups. If you're somebody that hates the idea of trends and fashion then black is your protest colour. If your life revolves around fashion and you strive to always look chic, then black is your colour of choice. If you're not fussed either way, then black is just the easy option. 

I suppose I've always been worried that if I wore it I'd look more not fussed than fashionista, never confident enough with my fashion choices to let the garment speak for itself without relying on colour. 

Then there's the decision about what other colour to wear with black. All black and you're a goth but even the most innocuous of colours put next to black stand out like the brightest neon. And what if you're brave enough to actually pair it with neon? Tacky? Cheap?

In art class when I was 14 I remember being taught that black is not an artists colour. We weren't allowed to use black paint. We had to mix other colours to make something as close to black as possible and I could never quite get the recipe right. The closest I got was a sludgey brown. 

In 1997 I went to my school prom. I spent ages looking for the right outfit; A navy suit. My mum got me to try it on in front of a family friend "a navy suit with black shoes?!?" was the response. "You can't mix navy and black!" That was that, a lifetime of wondering whether everyone around me was looking at my black/insert colour here combinations and thinking about how awful I look! 

Navy became my black. I've got blue eyes and blonde hair so navy was more forgiving. Brought out some colour in my cheeks. I became addicted to navy. And the colours I wore with navy? Sky, denim, petrol. A spectrum of blue. 

But all of a sudden the right pair of black jeans saved me. They looked good - even with one of my "safe" blue shirts. Then a pair of black boots caught my eye. One pair left. My size. It was a sign. I got used to the new colour on me over the space of a few weeks and craved something other than a blue shirt to wear with it. A red and navy checked shirt came first. And today? Camo print from J Crew! 

Nobody pointed and laughed on the tube. Nobody at work has even mentioned its existence yet! 

Am I finally free from my navy shackles. I think I am! WTF took me so long?!? 

Pomegranate Noir Rose Gold

Remember I was going on about Pomegranate Noir by Jo Malone last week? Well they've brought out a beautiful special edition in rose gold for Christmas...

I'd buy it immediately if I didn't already have half a bottle sitting on my bathroom shelf. Annoying. 

Britney Jean

I have a major bond with Britney that I tell everyone about. I suppose I tell people in the hope that one day the news will spread so wide that it'll reach the woman herself over there in LA and she'll pick up her phone and rush to DM me on twitter desperate to arrange a night out! Of course we'll become great friends. 

Details of aforementioned bond as follows:

Well first of all we have the same initials... Kind of... Hers are BJS and mine are SJB! The same! But backwards!(SJB also rhymes with SJP but that's another story which includes the fact that my initials would look amazing as a monogram on an LV hold all)

Secondly, we have the same birthday... Almost. Hers is the 2nd of December (Happy B'day Brit Brit!) and mine is the 9th... Just 7 days difference and both born in 1981! Practically twins. 

We're also both blondes with questionable vocal talents so basically I'm just waiting for fate to bring us together one day the way it seems God has always intended. 

To be honest I think she needs someone like me in her life. She needs me to fix her nails for her for a start. She bites them so she needs me there to keep reminding her to stop doing that. Perhaps I'd use a distraction technique. I might use blu tak for that. Everyone likes playing with blu tak and it makes your fingers taste bad. Problem solved. 

I'd get on with improving that weave too. It's far too long and the weight of it is making her hair look thin. She needs to keep it just over shoulder length like it was in the cover of Work Bitch.

I need to introduce her to a non American botox and fillers doctor. I imagine she sees Dr Brandt at the moment who also does Madonna but I think Dr Sebagh would be better. His technique is much more subtle. A woman her age doesn't need her current dosage of injectables. They're robbing her of all emotion. Well, that and the ADHD medication. 

I know the clothes need work but I don't have time for that now. I'll save that till we meet. It'll be a nice project for us to do together. 

Buy Britney's new album Britney Jean here.

If I were a girl

If I were a girl then today I'd be popping to And Other Stories to pick up a pair of these fitties…

They're fun with a hint of Celine SS13 about them and a Manolo Blahnik elegance. The best bit is they're only £49.99! 

Rita Whora

Have you ever seen Rita Ora look good? I haven't and it's all this queen's fault…  



Fashion magazines call her stylish but I just assume that's because they've got pages to fill.

Credit where it's due though, she's got the best eyebrows in pop (Miley comes a very close second) and she does well with the blokes. 



She did particularly well to pull pops best fixer upper Calvin Harris.

Perfect eyebrows, a fit boyfriend and I hate her… Praps I'm just a bit jel?

Cire Trudon candle

Just finishing this one off so I can get my Christmas candles out tomorrow...

ARRRGH CHRISTMAS!!!

Chanel bag

I added some glamour to my life yesterday and went shopping in Chanel. Sadly it wasn't pour moi. I went along with my bestest friend to get her long awaited Classic Flap.

(Large black caviar with gold hardware in case you're interested)

Feels like she's been talking about it for EVER! I've been teasing her about being tight for not buying it sooner actually but in all seriousness £2700 is a lot of money to spend in one go.

The most I ever spent in one go was when I bought my YSL Montmartre bag a couple of years back. It was £1200 (eek!) but I had a bonus to spend and it was too beautiful to resist. Was still scary though. The fact I still use it every day reassures me it was the right decision. 

I'm not sure which bag I'd buy if I were a woman... Tough decision. I think I'll stew on that and write a future post about it actually. Good excuse to shop online for girls stuff in the meantime! 

Black manicure

I went round a friends last night to give her a manicure and we had a bottle of wine and a gossip about her new man while we were at it.

Yes I do nails and yes I know it's camp but I really enjoy it and I'm actually really good at it! Not surprising I suppose as there are three fully trained manicurists in my family and even more than that if you include wives and girlfriends. It's basically in my blood. 

We'd been discussing what colour to paint them all week and we were really close to doing them pure winter white in honour of Nigella...

(allegedly)

In the end we went for the opposite of that and painted them in Black Satin 219 by Chanel. 

Black Satin is one of the 5 colours in the Culte de Chanel collection which also includes probably the most famous nail colour ever - Rouge Noir. 

I'm collecting them all (like I don't have bills to pay). I think I'll buy my next one today - seems sensible seeing as Selfridges has 10% off most beauty brands at the moment! 

Jo Malone

I used to love splashing on a bit of après rasage when I was younger, but I spent so many Sunday mornings hungover in bed reeking of stale Dior Homme that I've been put off more recently.  

The problem is (seeing as I'm gay and all that) aftershave is an easy go to for friends and family to buy me as a gift so despite my recent aversion my collection has continued to build.

Anyway, I was talking to a friend last week who has been contemplating her next perfume purchase for a while now. She was looking for something fruity and wintery so of course I recommended Pomegranate Noir by Jo Malone. It's one of the only fragrances I still wear from time to time. 

So last week we went for a walk down Sloane Street and popped into Jo Malone for a browse. Pomegranate Noir was recommended to my friend straight away and of course she loved it and added it to her Christmas list. 

While we were there I thought I might as well treat myself and ended up buying Dark Amber & Ginger Lily from the Cologne Intense range. It's really warm and spicy on its own and when it's blended with the Pomegranate Noir it smells just like mulled wine. In a good way... Well, I think it's good anyway. 

The Hemsworths

Look at them...

I look at them quite often. I'm especially fanatical about Liam and since he's been plugging The Hunger Games: Catching Fire recently my obsession has reached hormonal teenage girl levels.

I suppose he's not really stylish... But he looks so good in a casual shirt over a v neck that he's inspired the way I dress lately. 

I don't have his looks or physique and I also don't live in a city where it's warm most of the time so to get that Liam look with a bit of me in it I wear a crew neck t shirt with my fave Isherwood denim shirt by Acne over it leaving the top three buttons fastened.  

I could literally buy everything Acne sell but until I have a movie star bank account I have to choose my pieces carefully. This shirt will last a lifetime and never go out of style. Liam would look amazing in it!   

By the way, here's a pic of him looking amazing all topless and wet. 

You're welcome! 

*dribble*

The Kanye coat

Talking of Kanye, Reiss have paid homage to his style with a limited edition camel coat they've named after him. It's actually inspired by the Maison Martin Margiela for H&M coat that he wears. 

I love the fact Kanye wears a coat that only cost £149.99 - even though they re sell on eBay for much more - and I really love the fact he wears it so often. He could afford something new every day of the week if he wanted and this shows admirable restraint from somebody you wouldn't expect that from. 

The Reiss version isn't as interesting as the original but of course they're appealing to a more reserved market. I quite like it but camel is a colour I just can't wear - as much as I'd like to. 

Kanye Vs Louis Vuitton

Kanye West. Isn't he just so fucking annoying right now? I actually think he might be going crazy with all the shit he's coming out with lately. And this morning I just read that he's asking his fans to boycott Louis Vuitton because its Vice President, Yves Carcelle, didn't want a meeting with him when he was in Paris last.

But why should he? Why should an old bloke at the head of a huge company want to sit down and chat with Kanye West? Why would Kanye even want to speak with him? I'm sure he already gets front row seats at the LV shows... I'm sure he already gets a celeb discount when he makes a purchase... So he must have wanted the meeting to discuss other things... Maybe he wants another chance at collaborating? The first time was bad enough...

Or perhaps he was going to ask whether they'd consider using Kim in the next LV campaign? Lol. 

Yves probably knew that Kanye would want to ask for something he wouldn't want to give. So he avoided the situation and that was the right thing to do. Perhaps the ONLY thing to do as I can't imagine Kanye takes knock backs too well.

Here's exactly what Kanye said about the situation on an American radio show:

"What happened while I was out in Paris I wanted to meet with the head of Louis Vuitton, he said I don't understand why we need to meet with you. I said "let me explain to you why you need to meet with me. Everybody in New York City right now don't buy any Louis Vuitton until after January. Now do you want to meet with me?" Influence. They think that I don't realise my power. "

People are more likely to stop buying his albums than stop buying Louis Vuitton. 

I mean, who can resist a bit of Louis? I got this Monogram Macassar toiletry bag for Christmas last year.

Perhaps I'll get the wallet to match this year? Oops... Looks like the boycott is already failing Yeezy!

Check shirt

I wore my new Beams plus shirt to work today...

Innit pretty?

I've wanted a checked shirt for ages and I never usually wear red but I couldn't resist this one when I saw it on Mr Porter a couple of weeks ago. 

I wore it over a white J.Crew tee with a pair of slim black jeans from Uniqlo and my COS boots. 

Definitely my new fave outfit.

First post

So last night I watched Twilight Breaking Dawn Part 1. I know I'm super late with this but it had been on my Lovefilm list forever and just arrived last week. You've probably seen it and know how bad the film is. If you haven't seen it then let me tell you it's SO bad. But right at the end there was a bit that I really enjoyed and so I decided to write my first ever blog post about it.

Here you go, watch the bit I'm talking about...

Did you see it? Did you see her skin going all plump and flawless? Her hair getting all shiny and full of body? Her eyelashes growing longer and thicker? She ended up looking like a L'oreal girl!

I think a thorough exfoliation and moisturisation session is needed tonight to help me with my Bella envy. 

If I had a spare £64 I'd use some of Dr Brandt's Microdermabrasion Exfoliant but I'm poor so I opt for one of these exfoliating pads from Boots instead with a squirt of my favourite StriVectin Replenishing cleanser.

I always exfoliate in the evening which means I can do as Catherine Zeta Jones does (of course) and slather on a glossy layer of Eight Hour Cream by Elizabeth Arden afterwards which I'll leave on overnight.

OMG I'm gonna wake up tomorrow looking so dewy!

(lol... dewy)