NYE

Happy New Year y'all...

I'm quite enjoying this blogging lark so I'll be carrying on in 2014 whenever I've got something to say. Thought I'd let you know in case you were interested.

Beyoncé: Beyoncé

I've learned at least the following seven things about Beyoncé over the last week...

1. Her arse is whiter than mine. 

2. She sniffs something and it's the only thing that's keeping her on fire. 

3. She really likes oral sex. Giving and receiving.

4. She's indecipherably cool. Grainin on that wood, grainin grainin on that wood for instance?

5. She's not really into the whole Sasha Fierce thing no more. 

6. She wakes up flawless.  

7. It only takes her 45 minutes to get ready.

Miranda Kerr and Terry Richardson by Terry Richardson

She look wicked doe innit...

Christmas perving

If you have a man to buy for this Christmas and you're struggling with what to get then the easy option is always a bottle of after shave. The next conundrum is which one to choose... 

The only thing I can suggest is just buy the one that has the best looking model in the advert. My choice for 2013 would be Invictus by Paco Rabanne. 

It probably smells vile so don't actually take my advice. I just wanted an excuse for a good perve. 

Enjoy!

Cartier Entrelaces ring

I'm super easy to buy gifts for and this Christmas there's so much I want and at helpfully varied price points.

This beautiful Entrelaces ring from Cartier is currently at the top of my wishlist...

I originally wanted it for my birthday earlier this month but nobody seemed to have got the hint. Still, all will be forgiven if I find it under my tree this time next week!

Change please

I'm absolutely desperate for a new wallet for Christmas and I really REALLY wanted this one from Alexander Wang… 

Just one problem; No space for change.

Annoying obviously but shit happens and so I started looking for an alternative. It wasn't long before I fell in love with this beauty from Saint Laurent…

But guess what? No space for change either.

Seriously though what's the point in a wallet with no space for change? Am I supposed to hold my coppers in my pocket? No babes. 

The search continues.

Tiffany Christmas Cracker

Take a moment to imagine what life would be like if your man could afford to buy you this diamond filled Tiffany cracker for Christmas...

It's £180k. 

If you're lucky enough to be married to a footballer, a banker or a member of the Saudi royal family then point them in the direction of their Bond Street store. 

Ps I hate you and I want to be you. 

Chanel perfume bottle bag

Erm, how have I not seen this already?

No. Words.

Chanel.com

Holding it right

Still holding your handbag by the handles? How obvious! What about in the crook of your arm? How common! The only way you should be carrying your handbag this season is by scurfing it up and grabbing it from underneath. 

Just like they show here in Zara's latest lookbook:

So chic. 

Frankly I wouldn't be seen dead carrying my bag in any other way.

I am so fab...

Check out I'm blonde,

I'm skinny,

I'm rich,

and I'm a little bit of a bitch

Artpop isn't nearly as good as it should be but I really like Donatella. It's stupid but brilliant.

If I were a girl

Today I'd throw on this old thing from Zara...

Doesn't she look interesting and intelligent? Like she's just about to grab a paintbrush and.. Well, paint something!

Simple shirt, skinny jeans and a good boot. Done. 

Easy, breezy and stylish. Why can't Zara men be as good as this?

Black

Black is the most popular colour in fashion but for me, I've always found it a bit scary. 

Black transcends fashion groups. If you're somebody that hates the idea of trends and fashion then black is your protest colour. If your life revolves around fashion and you strive to always look chic, then black is your colour of choice. If you're not fussed either way, then black is just the easy option. 

I suppose I've always been worried that if I wore it I'd look more not fussed than fashionista, never confident enough with my fashion choices to let the garment speak for itself without relying on colour. 

Then there's the decision about what other colour to wear with black. All black and you're a goth but even the most innocuous of colours put next to black stand out like the brightest neon. And what if you're brave enough to actually pair it with neon? Tacky? Cheap?

In art class when I was 14 I remember being taught that black is not an artists colour. We weren't allowed to use black paint. We had to mix other colours to make something as close to black as possible and I could never quite get the recipe right. The closest I got was a sludgey brown. 

In 1997 I went to my school prom. I spent ages looking for the right outfit; A navy suit. My mum got me to try it on in front of a family friend "a navy suit with black shoes?!?" was the response. "You can't mix navy and black!" That was that, a lifetime of wondering whether everyone around me was looking at my black/insert colour here combinations and thinking about how awful I look! 

Navy became my black. I've got blue eyes and blonde hair so navy was more forgiving. Brought out some colour in my cheeks. I became addicted to navy. And the colours I wore with navy? Sky, denim, petrol. A spectrum of blue. 

But all of a sudden the right pair of black jeans saved me. They looked good - even with one of my "safe" blue shirts. Then a pair of black boots caught my eye. One pair left. My size. It was a sign. I got used to the new colour on me over the space of a few weeks and craved something other than a blue shirt to wear with it. A red and navy checked shirt came first. And today? Camo print from J Crew! 

Nobody pointed and laughed on the tube. Nobody at work has even mentioned its existence yet! 

Am I finally free from my navy shackles. I think I am! WTF took me so long?!? 

Pomegranate Noir Rose Gold

Remember I was going on about Pomegranate Noir by Jo Malone last week? Well they've brought out a beautiful special edition in rose gold for Christmas...

I'd buy it immediately if I didn't already have half a bottle sitting on my bathroom shelf. Annoying. 

Britney Jean

I have a major bond with Britney that I tell everyone about. I suppose I tell people in the hope that one day the news will spread so wide that it'll reach the woman herself over there in LA and she'll pick up her phone and rush to DM me on twitter desperate to arrange a night out! Of course we'll become great friends. 

Details of aforementioned bond as follows:

Well first of all we have the same initials... Kind of... Hers are BJS and mine are SJB! The same! But backwards!(SJB also rhymes with SJP but that's another story which includes the fact that my initials would look amazing as a monogram on an LV hold all)

Secondly, we have the same birthday... Almost. Hers is the 2nd of December (Happy B'day Brit Brit!) and mine is the 9th... Just 7 days difference and both born in 1981! Practically twins. 

We're also both blondes with questionable vocal talents so basically I'm just waiting for fate to bring us together one day the way it seems God has always intended. 

To be honest I think she needs someone like me in her life. She needs me to fix her nails for her for a start. She bites them so she needs me there to keep reminding her to stop doing that. Perhaps I'd use a distraction technique. I might use blu tak for that. Everyone likes playing with blu tak and it makes your fingers taste bad. Problem solved. 

I'd get on with improving that weave too. It's far too long and the weight of it is making her hair look thin. She needs to keep it just over shoulder length like it was in the cover of Work Bitch.

I need to introduce her to a non American botox and fillers doctor. I imagine she sees Dr Brandt at the moment who also does Madonna but I think Dr Sebagh would be better. His technique is much more subtle. A woman her age doesn't need her current dosage of injectables. They're robbing her of all emotion. Well, that and the ADHD medication. 

I know the clothes need work but I don't have time for that now. I'll save that till we meet. It'll be a nice project for us to do together. 

Buy Britney's new album Britney Jean here.

If I were a girl

If I were a girl then today I'd be popping to And Other Stories to pick up a pair of these fitties…

They're fun with a hint of Celine SS13 about them and a Manolo Blahnik elegance. The best bit is they're only £49.99! 

Rita Whora

Have you ever seen Rita Ora look good? I haven't and it's all this queen's fault…  



Fashion magazines call her stylish but I just assume that's because they've got pages to fill.

Credit where it's due though, she's got the best eyebrows in pop (Miley comes a very close second) and she does well with the blokes. 



She did particularly well to pull pops best fixer upper Calvin Harris.

Perfect eyebrows, a fit boyfriend and I hate her… Praps I'm just a bit jel?